I came across an article an acquaintance posted on Facebook, from Motto (affiliated with TIME magazine) titled “I Refused to Be Exclusive Until He Proposed” by Sami Wunder.
There is a hyperlink of the article above, but to provide a brief synopsis: a successful career woman details her dating philosophy, put into action with her then “prospect” now husband, Chris. Sami and Chris had been dating for two months, when Chris asked her to be his girlfriend. Sami refused, due to past experiences, and stated to him that she will not be exclusive with any man until marriage, and although she liked him would continue to see other men; dates with Chris ongoing, but would let him know if things got serious with someone else.
When I read this piece, I had mixed feelings, as there were a few aspects of the article I liked and disliked. After digesting what I had read for a couple of days, I wanted to introduce a “mini-series” within Inner Reign to review pieces such as this one; analyzing women’s methodology in the world of dating today, and make note of some critical observations I made.
I would say the biggest observation here is that, this article speaks to the increase of women dating multiple people in the 21st century.
From my personal experiences, this was the biggest shock for me as I entered back into the dating scene a couple of years ago: Women, overtly or covertly, letting me know there were others in the picture. Women who felt it was “dire” to wish their ex-boyfriend happy birthday, or those who conveniently felt the need travel to Fayetteville to visit their ‘cousin’, or those who put off getting in a relationship for work or school yet when you circle back they’re out of another relationship.
When did everyday life turn into another episode of The Bachelorette?
I wanted to do some research on the subject of women dating multiple men, because although I do write candidly about my experiences, I realize it’s only a small sample size in comparison to the rest of the world. The only statistic I could find was a report from “The State of Dating in America” stemming from a Huffington Post article. 2,600 men and women on online dating sites were asked the following:
9% of men answered to entertaining multiple women at the same time, as well as 14% of women dating multiple men at the same time.
I understand that, when you’re younger, part of developing an identify is discovering personal preferences. This includes the realm of dating, finding out the attributes you find to be enchanting and which ones you abhor, finalizing the makeup of the woman you wish to be with long-term.
To the gentlemen reading, I can also understand how women taking this approach can be beneficial to you. This approach can play in a man’s favor if he wants to play the field, after all, men get accused by the opposite sex of doing that all the time; however there comes a point when we must be more SELECTIVE.
My blogs’ focal point has always been about relatable content that grooms High Value Men.
High Value Men are not options.
High Value Men do not compete, because there is no one else to compete with.
I have talked about this subject before in prior blogs. A good friend of mine has always told me “Men Pick. Women Choose”. So why make yourself abundant just to fill a woman’s roster spot? To be a high value man, and to be told Sami’s statement, I’m either laughing in her face or going ghost.
Gentlemen reading this can look at this and say, “Well he’s missing out on quantity”. Quantity is not quality.
Entertaining people is costly, in time, energy, financially, emotionally, etc. I’m not trying to make that investment repeatedly.
Doing so could mean making a huge mistake down the line.
When looking for THE ONE, be selective, and rid yourself of those who aren’t doing the same
Another observation I made from that piece, was regarding the method of leverage used to obtain her objective: finding the ideal husband.
The writer of the article stated that in previous relationships, she had no restraint in what she gave to her boyfriends at the time, in hopes the connection led to marriage; when failure kept occurring, she decided she would leverage exclusivity of the “girlfriend” title. The meeting of parents, living together, being there as a form of support, would be withheld until she says I do.
With this, I didn’t have a hard stance on.
I think it’s universally understood that women generally will employ a leverage tactic to feel like they are in control within interactions with men. Gentlemen, it is up to you to decide, the caliber of woman you are dealing with, and if it’s worth it to endure it.
I have generally been of the school of thought that, I need to be able to see a woman in an exclusive setting, before proposing.
America’s modern society just doesn’t hold labels to be all that sacred, how I can assume you to be trustworthy before I give you a ring and my last name?
In the case of Chris, I’m not sure how he gained comfort around marrying someone who basically said until someone proposes, she would be approachable.
High Value People Set the Stage
The one thing I will applaud Sami on doing, and I want men to take note of, is this: Sami made a very boss move.
I love it when women come out and say what they want; even if it doesn’t necessarily align with what it is that I want.
I think its shows that a person is mature, likes to communicate, and isn’t afraid to go after what she wants. If more people did that, it would save folks a lot of time.
While I don’t agree with Sami’s decisions to date multiple men, or her method of leverage, I LOVE the shrewdness and guile used to make herself seem fleeting.
She played hard to get with her presentation, and it worked.
Go back and look at the article. A business owner, six-figure salary, master’s degree who refused to be “girlfriend zoned”, provided the illusion to Chris that she was fleeting, NOT like every other girl.
Chris even admitted he was motivated from being scared that someone else would swoop in and take her.
I would have preferred the fear stem from how wonderful of a woman she was, and not because of what someone else would do. But that’s neither here nor there.
She was High Value.
She set the stage and he fell in the trap.
Now let’s look at the general dynamics of men and women currently.
Women ultimately CHOOSE and entertain multiple men if they so choose to.
Men have the habit of PAINFULLY making themselves readily available (often when not wanted), to all women, High Value or not.
Do you see the dilemma here?
Do you see how a woman can think men will always be there, and with NOTHING to offer?
Flip the script.
Someone who is rare and a hot commodity is not readily available.
Work on improving yourself: progressing in your career, going to the gym, upgrade your fashion sense.
Become so earth-shatteringly High Value, that YOU set the terms, YOU set the stage.
To wrap things up, I wanted to make you aware of the landscape of dating that is occurring today, the methods of leverage used, and that ultimately being high value allows you more leeway to dictate those two aspects aforementioned.
Weather Your Storm, Maintain Inner Reign –E